Tony Kornheiser: Jaws, if you were coaching this team, would you pass here? I MEAN, WOULDN'T YOU PASS HERE? WOULDN'T THAT BE JUST CRAZY ENOUGH TO WORK? HUH? JAWS, WOULDN'T IT?
Jaws: Well, Tony [guffaws] it IS 3rd down and 22 yards to go, so I would DEFINITELY pass. [guffaws, scratches self, guffaws]
Tirico: And the pass falls incomplete...
TK: You know who would have made that pass, Jaws? BRETT FAVRE! Remember that one time he had like a 4th or 5th down with something like 46 yards to go and he MADE THE PASS? Wasn't that amazing? Wasn't that INSANE? I mean, like American Idol tryouts-level insane? Huh, Jaws? Don't you think? Huh?
Jaws: [guffaws]
Tirico: That gives the Bears a chance to drive down the field and tie the game. [assumes more sober factoid voice] Over the last 10 years, the bears have come back to tie or win a game in the 4th quarter 17 times...
TK: How do you know that? I mean, HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW THAT? Jaws, isn't it amazing that Mike could know that sort of obscure, random, [tries to think of long, writerly word] OBSTIQUIOUS FACT? How could he know that?
Tirico: I just look them up on the internet.
TK: Yeah, but earlier you knew what high school Lovie Smith went to! HOW COULD HE KNOW THAT, JAWS? WHO KNOWS THAT SORT OF THING?
Tirico: Tony, we've been in Chicago prepping for this game since Wednesday. That's when you are SUPPOSED to be doing background research, or watching game film, like Jaws does...
Jaws: [Guffaws] National Football League.
Tirico: Yes, Jaws, that is what NFL stands for. Very good.
TK: But how do you memorize all of it? HOW DOES HE DO IT, JAWS?
Tirico: I don't actually memorize it, one of the producers is feeding me stats through my headphones. Don't they do that to you?
TK: Producers? My headphones are hooked to my Ipod. I'm listening to the new Bo Bice album! He was on American Idol!
[exciting football play happens]
Tirico:...OH! And the Bears score a touchdown. The extra point will tie the game here.
TK: Now, what just happened on that play? I'm just a regular guy and I really don't have the grasp of sports that you guys do...
Tirico: Wait, are you shitting me? You've been a sportswriter for 40 fucking years! You were writing sports columns for Newsweek when I was 4 years old! Why do you keep saying you don't know anything about sports and asking what a punt is and which one is the point guard? Are you fucking retarded? When your hair fell out, did your brain start leaking out the top of your head? Why do you keep saying stupid shit? Why are you sitting slouched over in your chair? Why can't you sit up straight when the camera is on us? It's embarrassing! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Jaws: [Guffaws.]
1 comment:
yes. i love kornheiser, but he frequently looks like a raving maniac. can you imagine going to eat with him at a fancy restaurant?
"WAITER! I'LL HAVE THE FOIE GRAS TERRINE WITH THE GINGER-THAI BASIL REDUCTION! WHO KNEW THEY HAD BASIL IN THAILAND? WERE THEY COLONIZED BY ITALY?"
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