More is Not Always Better

You know what I hate? Bonus tracks. Now I realize many of you music snobs in the audience are anxiously awaiting the sainted day when your favorite Beta Band album is released with 27 new never-before-heard tracks, including a special live acoustic version of "Eclipse" sung entirely in Esparanto, with only the looped sounds of a dog lapping water from its bowl as percussion. Well, that's fine if that's how you want to play it, but me? I hate that crap. Especially when it is older bands that I am just starting to really get into. All you can find are remastered 15th anniversary 2-disc extravaganzas loaded with bonus tracks. Listen, if the shit wasn't good enough to make the album the first time around, then I don't want it.

Recent example:

I discovered the other day that my local library system has a surprisingly good collection of music, so I put in a few requests and went and picked up some CDs. One of these was the seminal 1992 debut album of Pavement, Slanted and Enchanted. When originally released, this album, which many consider one of the most influential indie-rock/lo-fi CDs of the 90s, featured 14 songs. Thats a lot, right? Or at least a good amount. Well, the version my library has is the 10th anniversary re-release titled Slanted and Enchanted: Luxe & Reduxe. It has 48 fucking tracks. 48! Two tightly packed discs of 24 tracks each! My intention (no surprise here) is to copy all these CDs that I check out to my iTunes and then make personal copies for listening to in the car. There is no way I am copying all of these tracks. Well, I may rip them, but I will not burn them (nerdspeak!). The copy I make will feature only the original 14 tracks. The way the album was orignally constructed and meant to be listened to.

Now don't get me wrong - I am sure these bonus tracks are of great value to a true Malkmus/Pavement junkie. I am not one of those. Maybe someday I will be glad I copied all those live tracks, as well as the "John Peel Sessions" recordings (whatever the eff that means), but for now, I'll stick to the first 14 songs.

A good album (which this one is purported to be) is crafted as an overall work of art. Yes, each song is in and of itself a single entity (your Pink Floyds and Mars Voltas notwithstanding), but the flow and sound, and even production patterns of the LP often contain a certain rhyme and reason. Now, if you slap a few extra songs onto the end that didn't make the cut the first time around, it messes up that flow. It also pisses me off. Those bonus tracks often sound different. They weren't mixed the same. And if those songs are just live or demo versions of songs already on the album, it makes me want to go out and kill a hooker (even more than usual). I already heard this song 30 minutes ago! It was track four! And it was better the first time around!

So please, keep your bonus tracks to yourself, bands. If you insist on releasing them, either release them as a separate album that I can ignore or entirely on a seperate, second disc that I can choose not to burn. Thank you.

I am Third

Or maybe I am Seventh, or last. All I know is I don't get it. And many of you not living in the Dallas area will be even further behind. The point is, there are these weird billboards all over the Metroplex, with random semi-celebrities like Greg Ellis and Josh Hamilton, and I swear I saw a Claire Daines one at some point, that just say "I Am Second" on them with a URL - iamsecond.com. So every time I see one, I remind myself to go to that damn website to sate my curiosity. Like, AS SOON I GET HOME.

And this has been going on for weeks, maybe months. I have a tendency to think up things I need to look up on the interwebs, but then as soon as I get near a computer, I go blank. I'll be in the car, and think to myself, "I need to look up a good recipe for a spicy Fradiablo/Fra Diavlo sauce." I thought about that shit for over a week, every single moment I wasn't near a computer. So I finally looked that one up yesterday.

Then this morning I finally went to IAmSecond.com. Advertising works apparently. I was dying to know.

And I get to the website and it is basically a conglomeration of all of these people's photos. Most of them were either normal people or K-list celebrities that I have never ever heard of, but each of them has a little blurb about how they overcame drugs, or they never won a NASCAR race, or they blew out their knee playing football. The only similarities I could find was that they all (kind of) overcame an adversity. People like Jason Witten, Darrell Waltrip, Stephen Baldwin, Joe Gibbs, the guitar player from Korn (not Munky, the other guy) all saying inane crap like "I was never a winner until I won the hearts of people. Why am I second?"

I had no answer for this person, mainly because I didn't know what the hell he was talking about. Luckily, there was a link at the top of the page which says "What is I Am Second?" So I erroneously thought this would finally answer my question.

Wrong.

I am going to break down the entirety of this mission statement right now for you (don't worry, it's not too long) as well as my mental response upon reading each part:

"I am Second is a movement where significance in life is a shared value among people of all kinds."
What does that mean? Perhaps if I read it again it will make sense....nope, still stupid. You are describing an ideology or theory, not a movement.

"Actors. Athletes. Musicians. Business leaders. Your next door neighbor. People just like you."
Emperors. Pedophiles. Vampires. Rutabagas. That guy from that movie. The mailman. Ace Ventura. Baristas. Davey Jones' locker. People just like you.

"Their authentic stories here on iamsecond.com provide insight into dealing with typical struggles of everyday living."
Perhaps they can help me remember to look things up on google. Myabe they will buy me a little notepad. These are my everyday struggles.

"Plus you'll discover those who've tried to go it alone and have failed, yet still found a life full of hope, peace and fulfillment."
Stephen Baldwin, you shall be my savior. Wow, that first paragraph told me nothing. Is this some church thing?

"We believe there is a reason why you are here."
You are correct - to find out what the hell I AM SECOND means.

"We all have needs and could use some help."
Correct. Just explain the phrase, ass-hat.

"Here you'll find issues relevant to you as well as answers to challenging life questions."
Joe Gibbs has it all figured out!!!!

"Within our website you can connect with a live person either by phone, chat or email. 24 hours a day."
As opposed to connecting with an UNDEAD person...that would be IAmLegend.com. Random periods breaking. Up sentences.

"You can link with I am Second groups in your own community and can even get involved in helping others."
That sentence ended weirdly. I think. I am so beyond hope of finding out what that damn phrase means that I have resorted to ridiculing the grammar. On to the third and final paragraph.

"I am Second is designed to help people discover their purpose in life. Have you discovered yours?"
Um, yes? To write a blog that four people read. Also to be second. That is my purpose. I want to be second.

Seriously though, I wanted to call these people and ask them what the hell "I am Second" means, but then I saw that all of their locations for meetings are at North Texas churches. So I knew that if I called them, they would then call me everyday for like two years. Christians are like Army recruiters. You accept one free t-shirt from them and BOOM, they are at your house asking you to come jump out of airplanes. Or something like that.

I don't think Jesus would like your tactics, folks. There may or may not be something in the bible about being coy. Or ambiguous. I don't know. Go look it up.

Where Are They Now: Andre Krimm

I caught a showing of the iconic college football documentary Necessary Roughness on TV this morning while I was getting ready for work. One of the most endearing characters in the poignant true story was Andre Krimm (above, right side). For those of you who have never seen this award-winning chronicle of loss and redemption in the ranks of college football, Andre Krimm was a former high school football star-turned graduate student/instructor in Celestial Mechanics and Astrophysics at Texas State University. After the NCAA gave the school's football program a swift death penalty due to numerous infractions, Krimm and 34-year-old quarterback Paul Blake (seen above with Krimm) employed their unused NCAA eligibilty to lead a team of misfits and castoffs (and a hot-ass kicker) to rebuild the program's status.

So I got to doing some research. It turns out that after receiving his Masters in Astrophysics from Texas State, Krimm enrolled at the University of Texas at Austin, but shortly after he found Allah and changed his name to Neil deGrasse Tyson before transferring to Columbia University, where he earned his Ph.D. in astrophysics. He has gone on to become one of the top astrophysicists in the country and a well-known television personality, hosting PBS's Nova, and appearing on numerous astronomy documentaries and Comedy Central's The Colbert Report.