The 2008 Yakkie Awards

On this day, the final of a sometimes abysmal, sometime wondrous 2008, we present our very special, often narrow-minded best-of awards. It's time for the 2008 Yakkies!!!

[Keep in mind that in order for something to qualify for a Yakkie, it must have been released in 2008, as well as be something I own, saw, or read. Which means lots of great stuff will not be on the list. Don't be sending me caustic emails. Sorry, I didn't see it yet, so get over it. On with the show...]

Best Film

The Dark Knight

Okay, so it's not the most original of choices, but it's really hard to argue against it. Bonus points to this film for actually living up to my bloated expectations. Rather than bombard you with praise for this movie, I will actually discuss something negative. The only major problem I had with this film is all Tom Cruise's fault. That's right, if it wasn't for Little Lord Xenu, the formerly hot Katie Holmes would have been able to reprise her role as Rachael Dawes, but no, we get stuck with Jake Gyllenhaal in drag. That was my only major beef. Great film. Better then Batman Begins, which I also loved.


Runner-up:

In Search of a Midnight Kiss

I'm sorry, did you hipsters out there in Hipsteria want something a little more obscure than The Dark Knight? Well, bitches, you got it. This dandy little indie gem (and various other cutesy modifiers) is about a lonely dude who just moved from Austin to L.A. His buddy talks him into putting an ad on Craigslist for a NYE date, and he ends up stuck for the evening with a girl who is at once annoying, conceited, kinda plain, hot, psychotic, and undeniably fascinating. Harkens back to the golden age of Indie Film - the early '90s. Try finding this one on video at your local Blockbuster.

Honorable Mention: The Foot Fist Way. If you like people getting kicked in the face, stupidly quotable humor, or Danny McBride, then you have to see this movie. Especially for the scene where they go to the party at Chuck 'the Truck' Wallace's hotel room.



Best New Album

Dig, Lazarus, Dig by Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds

I'll be honest. I was not a big fan of the Grinderman project that Nick Cave came out with. So I had absolutely no interest in this album until I happened to hear it in Rachael Craft's car. And I was blown away. It's just a great album all the way through. But my favorite track has to be "We Call Upon the Author."





Runner-up:

Third by Portishead

The long-awaited return of these British trip-hoppers didn't have the most original title (see if you can guess what it means), but it did have pretty much everything else. One of THOSE albums, that takes more than a couple listens to really get, Third is a challenging blend of sexiness, heaviness, and obscureness (not a word?). I like this CD more every single time I listen to it.




Others receiving votes: LP3 by Ratatat, Med Sud I Eyrum Vid Spilum Endalaust by Sigur Rós, Attack and Release by The Black Keys, and Oracular Spectacular by MGMT


Best Video Game

Braid

With a retro 2D platform style, revolutionary time control mechanics, lush watercolor graphics, a haunting score, and a story and ending that many have compared to David Lynch at his best, this downloadable indie game for the XBOX 360 is the best argument yet in the Video Games-as-Art debate. This game will haunt you for weeks after you finish it.



Runner-up:

Fallout 3

When people ask me what my favorite video game is, I usually say "Either Oblivion or Half-Life 2." Well, guess what. Fallout 3 is like a combination of the two - an engrossing action RPG with shooter elements set in a post-apocalyptic version of Washington D.C. I just got this one for Christmas, so I am less than 5 hours into the more than 20-hour long main quest (not counting the dozens of side quests), but I can already tell this is going to be my new all-time favorite game.





Others receiving votes: Mario Kart Wii, Fable 2, Gears of War 2, Grand Theft Auto IV


Best Book

The Macrophenomenal Pro Basketball Almanac

The boys at Freedarko (see link on top right of my page) have garnered all their forces to create the definitive thinking-man's guide to today's NBA. It's not really an almanac, so much as a collection of philosophical musings on the styles of some of their favorite players in today's game. Ever wonder which player's career stats most closely align with the numbers of the Fibonacci Sequence? Well, now you can find out. Super millions of bonus points for fantastic design and Big Baby Belafonte's amazing illustrations.

[In a year that was heavy on reading, even for me, it seems that I did not read a single piece of regular fiction that was actually released this year. Spent a lot of time reading older works that I've been meaning to get to. Hence a "Basketball Almanac" as your winner, but don't get me wrong - this book is still fantastic.]


Runner-up:

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules by Jeff Kinney

If you love old-school comic strips, then you absolutely have to check this series out. This is the second book in the series, wherein our hero spends an entire school year being tormented and blackmailed by his older brother Rodrick, he of the garage metal band Loded Diaper. Laugh-out loud funny and a quick light read, for those of you out there who can only handle that sort of thing.











Honorable Mention: Brisingr by Christopher Paolini. Haven't actually got around to reading this yet, but I did buy it, and I loved the first two, so I am sure I will like this one. It's on the short list of to-reads. I swear.

Blonde Asian Heroes!

[Left: Anime Japanese Guy, Right: Real Japanese Guy]


There are many off-putting things about Anime movies (of which I consider myself a near-fan), but we don't have time to get into all of those. Today I am going to discuss the way in which Japanese animators portray themselves, or more specifically, the way they draw Japanese people to look exactly like American/European kids. This also extends to the realm of Japanese-made video games. Characters with names like Ashitaka and Naruto and Hinjomi are clearly Japanese. So why do they have blonde hair and blue eyes? Come on Japanese animator guys, where's the pride? Where's the dignity? Most of these films/shows/games are meant primarily, and often exclusively, for Asian audiences. So why make all the characters look like they just stepped out of a southern California mall? Even my favorite director Hayao Miyazaki is not immune to this. Many of his characters, especially major ones, seem to share more ancestral genetics with Heidi Klum than with Miyazaki himself. Ehh. Just bugs me. Anyways.

Special Bonus Post: Dumb Invention

You know what's stupid? Sonics with a DRIVE-THRU. Yeah, it's Sonic "America's Drive-In" not the goddamned "America's Drive-Thru!" Stupid asses. Who goes through them? If you just pull into one of the DRIVE-IN spots, you don't have to wait in line! And they bring your food to you! It's the same, BUT BETTER! I am going to find that smarmy bitch from the commercials with the stupid husband, and I am going to punch her in her uterus, whilst yelling "Why does your food establishment have drive-thrus?!?! It's already a drive-in!!!! BITCH!"

Are You READY for a DOUCHEBAAAAAGGGGGG????

Tony Kornheiser: Jaws, if you were coaching this team, would you pass here? I MEAN, WOULDN'T YOU PASS HERE? WOULDN'T THAT BE JUST CRAZY ENOUGH TO WORK? HUH? JAWS, WOULDN'T IT?

Jaws: Well, Tony [guffaws] it IS 3rd down and 22 yards to go, so I would DEFINITELY pass. [guffaws, scratches self, guffaws]

Tirico: And the pass falls incomplete...

TK: You know who would have made that pass, Jaws? BRETT FAVRE! Remember that one time he had like a 4th or 5th down with something like 46 yards to go and he MADE THE PASS? Wasn't that amazing? Wasn't that INSANE? I mean, like American Idol tryouts-level insane? Huh, Jaws? Don't you think? Huh?

Jaws: [guffaws]

Tirico: That gives the Bears a chance to drive down the field and tie the game. [assumes more sober factoid voice] Over the last 10 years, the bears have come back to tie or win a game in the 4th quarter 17 times...

TK: How do you know that? I mean, HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW THAT? Jaws, isn't it amazing that Mike could know that sort of obscure, random, [tries to think of long, writerly word] OBSTIQUIOUS FACT? How could he know that?

Tirico: I just look them up on the internet.

TK: Yeah, but earlier you knew what high school Lovie Smith went to! HOW COULD HE KNOW THAT, JAWS? WHO KNOWS THAT SORT OF THING?

Tirico: Tony, we've been in Chicago prepping for this game since Wednesday. That's when you are SUPPOSED to be doing background research, or watching game film, like Jaws does...

Jaws: [Guffaws] National Football League.

Tirico: Yes, Jaws, that is what NFL stands for. Very good.

TK: But how do you memorize all of it? HOW DOES HE DO IT, JAWS?

Tirico: I don't actually memorize it, one of the producers is feeding me stats through my headphones. Don't they do that to you?

TK: Producers? My headphones are hooked to my Ipod. I'm listening to the new Bo Bice album! He was on American Idol!

[exciting football play happens]

Tirico:...OH! And the Bears score a touchdown. The extra point will tie the game here.

TK: Now, what just happened on that play? I'm just a regular guy and I really don't have the grasp of sports that you guys do...

Tirico: Wait, are you shitting me? You've been a sportswriter for 40 fucking years! You were writing sports columns for Newsweek when I was 4 years old! Why do you keep saying you don't know anything about sports and asking what a punt is and which one is the point guard? Are you fucking retarded? When your hair fell out, did your brain start leaking out the top of your head? Why do you keep saying stupid shit? Why are you sitting slouched over in your chair? Why can't you sit up straight when the camera is on us? It's embarrassing! What the fuck is wrong with you?

Jaws: [Guffaws.]

What is that coming out of the sky? Perhaps I should slam on my breaks.

This is one of those very rare instances where I wish I wasn't from Texas. And the ONLY reason I wish that is because then I could say "What is wrong with you fucking Texas drivers?"

Specifically: whenever there is any inclement weather, why do your assholes clench up tighter than a [nasty analogy]? Huh? Why?

Some odd weather over the past week or two here in the ol' DF-Dub has made the inadequacies of area drivers appallingly obvious (possible other explanation - it is city drivers who suck). We've had freezing temperatures, sleet, snow (a tiny bit), frozen bridges, fog, rain, mist, drizzle (what Snoop Dogg does when he smells a tasty steak), and at one point I think there was a shower of highly confused toads. And people lost their shit.

You might say that those sound like good conditions to lose your shit in, but I would argue there is no good condition in which to lose your driving skills. Furthermore, the instances of each weather phenomenon were mild, at worst. It was kinda cold, it barely sleeted, the fog still allowed for 200 yards of visibility, the bridges MIGHT have been icy, and it never really truly rained. But you'd think we were in the middle of some crappy end-of-the-world movie the way people were slamming on their breaks.

The morning it was allegedly icy: rather than driving normally and letting there foot off the gas when approaching bridges, people were just slamming on their breaks AFTER they got onto the bridge. Hey, maybe they were purposely trying to send their cars into a wild slide. Maybe they wanted to collect the insurance money. I just know I don't appreciate it.

Then a couple mornings later (after the temperatures had risen into like the 50's), it was drizzling. MISTING, really. I get on the freeway. People were driving 45 miles an hour! Why? There wasn't heavy traffic. The road wasn't particularly wet. They were just being idiots.

And this brings me to my real problem. The thing that bothers me the most, and made me want to write this. And that also caused me to question all my co-workers on their driving habits. Here we go, I'll just say it:

IF IT IS RAINING, FOGGY OR OVERCAST, TURN ON YOUR DAMN HEADLIGHTS

Seriously, Mr. Ford F-350, I can't see your stupid truck in my rearview mirrors when it is dark and you don't have your lights on! Hey, I know it's not night-time yet, but it can get dark during the day. It happens. I promise. They are called clouds. And fog. Yesterday it was real foggy. I estimate that 30-40 percent of cars did not have their lights on. So basically, 30-40 percent of people were morons.

Okay, I have ranted for too long about this. I fear that if I keep it up all of my driving-related grievances will come tumbling out. And we don't have time for that. Oh, and save the "That's what you get for living in Dallas" comments. I realize that is half my problem.

And I just thought of a way to not be non-Texan about this (because who likes a self-loather, really?) - I am going to assume that all these fucksticks that are driving terribly are actually from some other state. Go back to South Carolina, dipshit!