I am Third

Or maybe I am Seventh, or last. All I know is I don't get it. And many of you not living in the Dallas area will be even further behind. The point is, there are these weird billboards all over the Metroplex, with random semi-celebrities like Greg Ellis and Josh Hamilton, and I swear I saw a Claire Daines one at some point, that just say "I Am Second" on them with a URL - iamsecond.com. So every time I see one, I remind myself to go to that damn website to sate my curiosity. Like, AS SOON I GET HOME.

And this has been going on for weeks, maybe months. I have a tendency to think up things I need to look up on the interwebs, but then as soon as I get near a computer, I go blank. I'll be in the car, and think to myself, "I need to look up a good recipe for a spicy Fradiablo/Fra Diavlo sauce." I thought about that shit for over a week, every single moment I wasn't near a computer. So I finally looked that one up yesterday.

Then this morning I finally went to IAmSecond.com. Advertising works apparently. I was dying to know.

And I get to the website and it is basically a conglomeration of all of these people's photos. Most of them were either normal people or K-list celebrities that I have never ever heard of, but each of them has a little blurb about how they overcame drugs, or they never won a NASCAR race, or they blew out their knee playing football. The only similarities I could find was that they all (kind of) overcame an adversity. People like Jason Witten, Darrell Waltrip, Stephen Baldwin, Joe Gibbs, the guitar player from Korn (not Munky, the other guy) all saying inane crap like "I was never a winner until I won the hearts of people. Why am I second?"

I had no answer for this person, mainly because I didn't know what the hell he was talking about. Luckily, there was a link at the top of the page which says "What is I Am Second?" So I erroneously thought this would finally answer my question.

Wrong.

I am going to break down the entirety of this mission statement right now for you (don't worry, it's not too long) as well as my mental response upon reading each part:

"I am Second is a movement where significance in life is a shared value among people of all kinds."
What does that mean? Perhaps if I read it again it will make sense....nope, still stupid. You are describing an ideology or theory, not a movement.

"Actors. Athletes. Musicians. Business leaders. Your next door neighbor. People just like you."
Emperors. Pedophiles. Vampires. Rutabagas. That guy from that movie. The mailman. Ace Ventura. Baristas. Davey Jones' locker. People just like you.

"Their authentic stories here on iamsecond.com provide insight into dealing with typical struggles of everyday living."
Perhaps they can help me remember to look things up on google. Myabe they will buy me a little notepad. These are my everyday struggles.

"Plus you'll discover those who've tried to go it alone and have failed, yet still found a life full of hope, peace and fulfillment."
Stephen Baldwin, you shall be my savior. Wow, that first paragraph told me nothing. Is this some church thing?

"We believe there is a reason why you are here."
You are correct - to find out what the hell I AM SECOND means.

"We all have needs and could use some help."
Correct. Just explain the phrase, ass-hat.

"Here you'll find issues relevant to you as well as answers to challenging life questions."
Joe Gibbs has it all figured out!!!!

"Within our website you can connect with a live person either by phone, chat or email. 24 hours a day."
As opposed to connecting with an UNDEAD person...that would be IAmLegend.com. Random periods breaking. Up sentences.

"You can link with I am Second groups in your own community and can even get involved in helping others."
That sentence ended weirdly. I think. I am so beyond hope of finding out what that damn phrase means that I have resorted to ridiculing the grammar. On to the third and final paragraph.

"I am Second is designed to help people discover their purpose in life. Have you discovered yours?"
Um, yes? To write a blog that four people read. Also to be second. That is my purpose. I want to be second.

Seriously though, I wanted to call these people and ask them what the hell "I am Second" means, but then I saw that all of their locations for meetings are at North Texas churches. So I knew that if I called them, they would then call me everyday for like two years. Christians are like Army recruiters. You accept one free t-shirt from them and BOOM, they are at your house asking you to come jump out of airplanes. Or something like that.

I don't think Jesus would like your tactics, folks. There may or may not be something in the bible about being coy. Or ambiguous. I don't know. Go look it up.